If I were married, I would have a sad, lonely, unhappy wife: A reflection on priestly celibacy.

Over the next few weeks, I have numerous posts about the priesthood. This is perhaps the most difficult one, and it has been challenging to post it. It has waited among my drafts for over a year. The following posts won’t be as difficult. Take this as a warning.

I was ordained in June of 2013. In a hypothetical scenario, were I not ordained, but married a woman at that time, would perhaps present a case for priestly celibacy. Let us imagine that every other aspect of my life mirrored my life save the priesthood.

My position of campus ministry is not specifically a priest position. I manage a budget. I book retreats and event centers. I book catering. I train student leaders for retreats. I manage programs, resources, supplies. I say mass at these retreats. Except for a Mass at a retreat, there was literally nothing about my actual job description that required a priest (Saying Mass at a retreat is not in this description, I could book a priest). I am held accountable by well qualified lay people who run the school.

For the sake of this reflection: I finish grad school, move across the country to San Diego, get married, and begin the same campus ministry job. My mom is deceased. My dad lives ~130 mi North in Los Angeles. My younger brother eventually get’s engaged. My sister is an artist, student, bartender and waitress. Instead of saying Mass in local parishes, I find a local parish to get involved in (helping youth ministry, lectoring etc). All normal things for a 30 year old to do after being hired as a full time 9-5 minister in a school.

My first school year goes somewhat well. I am held closely accountable with a great amount of practical support from numerous colleagues. Occasionally, I have 10 hr days. I have over a dozen overnights away from home. I typically feel unsatisfied with my job, yet have many new ideas for improvement. I have new teacher blues: no lesson plans, too much grading, uncooperative students, needing years of experience to earn respect, being an outsider.

In real life, I never finished sending out thank you cards for my ordination. I moved out, planned a big ceremony, and immediately traveled around the world to Rio 2013 World Youth Day. Were I to conjecture this episode, I would spend months moving in, and not attending Rio 2013 (The Order sent me. Neither the Order or the school would have sponsored a brand new staffmember). My poor wife would take the lead on sending out thank you cards, as I am still transitioning from moving and taking a new job.

A 20-something new wife would be uncharacteristically patient, perhaps on an emotional honeymoon. She would reason excuses for her tired overworked husband who ministers at an all boys school, with a campus ministry team made up entirely of men. It is not uncommon for women to put up with a husband’s work-load this early in the marriage. Like any normal woman, she could stretch this to a point. I would leave for work before 7am, return between 4p-5p. Spend a few hours grading, organizing files etc, want to veg in front of  a tv screen, and soon crash. On a good day, I would be so overwhelmed from all the sensory stimulation and socializing I couldn’t even talk. In my first year, I went to bed at 9am, then woke up at 5am.

I ended the first year looking forward to a greater degree of control. I knew that I was to be held accountable and expected to improve. That goes with any professional career. I was only successful in surviving, not in thriving. The most exciting thing about the beginning of my second year would be to put the new ideas into effect. Perhaps some of this cheer and summer availability would bring a second wind to my marriage.

I would find myself immediately challenged in my second year. After 14 months in San Diego, I still had not settled in. The old priest’s in my community were not interested in meddling with my possessions. A wife would have had some ownership, but perhaps found it difficult to deal with my inability to smooth everything out. The rubber meets the road, the free ride of feelings screeches to slow down for the expectations of life.

In September, two days before my birthday, my dad is brought to the hospital. He remains in and out, near coma for almost a month. After two weeks of trips to LA, I discover that my dad has West Nile Virus. He will need a feeding tube. He will need a few months of rehab. It is possible that he may never fully recover. I cancel several of my scheduled commitments at a local parish. I cancel my birthday plans. The staff at my school is reasonably frustrated that a lackluster employee is 130 miles from his office, unable to get his job done.

The next month and a half does not see my dad return to normal. My newly engaged brother gets stuck with my dad, as I have no more time away from work to get help my dad with this ongoing crisis. I cancelled all weekend volunteering over the next month, in this scenario, I cancel all commitments outside of my job. Everyone sickly imagines that my bedridden feeding tube, medicine wired dad is magically going to return to normal while I frantically catch up on my workload. No substitute is available. If I am not there, the retreats cannot happen.

Perhaps this unpleasant birthday might rally my wife behind me. I did receive a lot of support from the friars. They weren’t the one’s disappointed in my job performance. Eventually my brothers asked about my dad, without asking about me. The hope of my dad’s recovery diminished each day. I suppose my wife might have been more perceptive to my feelings. She would have had to put up with me, yet again, having ten hr days at work, an inability to contribute around the house, weekend trips to Los Angeles, returning every time more beat up than the year before. She would watch my absence, as I was too psychologically exhausted to give her attention. The support I received from the friars did not leave them feeling rejected. I imagine it would take a greater toll on her. This absence might mirror the local Priest who could no longer book me for any Masses. I could not take a weekday off, as the school did not require me on the weekends. All my parish commitments get cancelled. Perhaps my wife would see that I was not the cause of her loneliness, but it would take a toll on her during this second year of my job.

My spring and summer would be consumed with cleaning and selling my dad’s house in Los Angeles, moving him to an assisted living facility, organizing his possessions, trying to find rehab after insurance gave up on him. I finished my year, as all my colleagues convinced that my dad’s situation settled quickly after it began, and believed every flaw in my job was not connected to my dad loosing everything overnight. Perhaps they would be more frustrated, that I was the only second year male teacher at an all boy’s school that couldn’t coach sports. I had less and less to offer the school, and I don’t know that this current situation can sustain itself at work, let alone motivate me to want to continue. Would the school even want me to continue?

Everything in my life was precarious, who is to say that my wife would even want to stay with me? I would certainly sympathize with her. Concretely, being married to me would not be of benefit to her. Catholic marriage is about more than personal benefit. It would be a lot of work for her for three years, only for things to spiral downward for her husband and his family.

Things improved much my third year, but I still felt that I needed more concrete support than I received. I still had to cease doing weekend ministry in parishes, in this case, I could not take any commitment outside of my job description. Now, in my third year of ordination, I was receiving more pleas from parishes in need of priestly support. I repeatedly said no. My dad was still stuck in wheelchair in LA, asking me daily about my next visit. Sometimes I had to say no, so I could get some sleep after chasing insomniac kids at a retreat, after waking up at 5am regularly to setup for other retreats. I was saying no to the parishes, I was saying no to my dad, I probably would have been saying no to my wife when she asked for a favor. My Campus Ministry intern was doing a spectacular job. My colleagues were probably not thrilled about my lack of involvement. However, My Campus Ministry student leaders were willing to do a lot more work, and probably had a lot more respect for me than the previous two classes.

The obliviousness, however, continued. During Christmas and Summer, all my colleagues would ask me if I was going “home?” For one, just because I am not married doesn’t mean that I am a college student who needs to spend weeks at a parent’s house for Christmas, and secondly, My parent lived in a facility. No such idyllic “home” existed.

I do not know the situation in a parish. When my mother was sick, I found the parish rally behind me. However, as I learned being a priest in a school, that many people cannot conceive of a priest having anything less than a perfect personal life. What is the new priest supposed to do? Take a leave, as rumors of crimes and scandals abound? West Nile Virus is rarer than scandals in this church.

Perhaps the wife of this reflection becomes a sad and lonely woman who has to dig deep for a reason to stay with this husband of hers. Disappointment. She would be much better off without him. Three years of her life tied down to a man that was incapable of offering anything to her.

Perhaps this should give us something to think about when we see a priest leave in their first five years. A new employee out of his depth is not disimilar. There are plenty of workoholic men, who learned to sell out the risk of being vulnerable and affectionate at home, and letting the demands of work consume them. Divorce is rampant in our western consumer culture, so why is a sad, unhappy lonely marriage a bad analogy for a new priest’s ministry?

When I try to use the image of marriage for my first three years of priesthood, I find it circle right back to celibacy. Many lay people, who are not called to celibacy, often accept the priesthood simply as a marriage to the Church, or to God. They also accept religious life as marriage to Christ. I found that my marriage, from a purely legal perspective, was more of a marriage to the Order, rather than the Church, per se. Yet, even with all the similarities, there are so many differences. I lived with a group of men, I worked at a boys school, The image of Christ’s marriage to the Church was very unhelpful for me in my first few years of ordination. This image did not help me as a priest to love or serve the Church that I was ordained to serve. In fact, this image was more of an obstacle, and were I to stick with this image, the only place for me would be is divorce, and subsequently quitting the priesthood.

Perhaps the image of marriage bears more relevance to the assembly of the people of God in the Church. In this, they can expect service and support from their priest, but also realize that they have a responsibility of service to the Church alongside the priest. Perhaps there are other images that may inspire lay-persons to respond to God’s call to follow Jesus Christ in discipleship and service.

As I wrap up this reflection, I do not propose a full alternative to this overused nuptial image that I have found unhelpful. I realize that there may come a day when not-only protestant converts can be married and ordained, but the reality and challenges of ministry should allow us the thoughtfulness to look critically at proposals to dismiss celibacy. Although lay Catholics may be comfortable with the idea of a married priest, the practical reality would require every single priest’s wife to have the holiness and resolve of the Mother of God herself. Perhaps the major takeaway is the indispensability of priestly celibacy.

For those who do not read this blog, I have done plenty of personal updates elsewhere, like here, here, here, here, and here. My dad stabilized years ago, but can never live on his own again. My dad’s permanent condition, in addition to my place in the school effected my discernment to leave. I found sources of support, almost entirely outside of my ministry. That is what every young adult needs to learn. I found stories and images from Scripture and Tradition that motivated me. I dug into my past experiences of God’s work in my life to continue to inspire me. But this post is not about how I got through this, or had to get out of it. This post is about how naive it is to discredit celibacy amidst a divorce addicted culture.

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10 Tips on Discerning Religious Life

Saint Augustine Monastery, Austin Hall Arcade, San Diego, CA. Where I dwell and stroll to Morning Prayer & Mass each morning.

I have met several Vocation Wrecks, who can never manage to get close to deciding what to do with what God has given.

Sometimes they are given really lousy vocation advice. To deal with vocation wrecks, to comfort people, to dispense scrupulous young people from the misery of discernment, they give them bad advice. Worst is that God gives you a desire. This is an attempt to comfort people who want to be married, assuming that they think marriage is evil or something. I have met more people who cannot make a decision because they desire two mutually exclusive vocations. Second awful vocation advice is telling people that they will find peace. More on that below. I could actually go on about the lousy vocation advice that people who grew up in sheltered ethnic (Irish / Italian / German) parishes tell young people who have become spiritually obese on pop culture and consumerism.

I have found myself repeating many of these to many people. Sometimes I not even giving advice to discerners, but explaining the process to people who have a lot of misconceptions. I believe that most of those misconceptions are shared by people who may be called, but never looked into it. So I gathered these into ten points.

  1. If you begin to feel strangely drawn, begin to have a desire, you should look into it. If you begin to find yourself defensive, opposed, or repulsed by it, it probably requires you to look again. I used to think “They Wouldn’t Let Me Rap.” I met a Sister who used to think Nuns were ugly. If you have no emotional reaction besides a little gratitude or cheer, kindly move on.
  2. Do not Passively Discern in your head or your imagination. Do not think that by “praying about it” to yourself is actually discernment. If you have felt drawn or repulsed by it, become an Active Disciple, and then see how you feel about it.
  3. Sometimes a desire for Consecrated Life is simply a call to Radical Discipleship. Spend more time reading the Scriptures, especially the Gospel. Have a Master/Disciple relationship with Christ. Pray daily. Befriend the Saints. Participate in service to the Church or the community. Go to Eucharistic Adoration. Deepen and grow your commitment to Christ, & the church. See a Spiritual Director.
  4. Sometimes it is a good idea to defer discernment. If you are younger than a Junior in college, if you just broke up, or got rejected by a potential special someone, if someone close to you has died, if you have moved to a new city or state, or if you are changing jobs, it is a good idea to at least let 8 months pass before any serious committed discernment. I am not saying don’t discern, it is difficult to decide. Also, a yearning that persists through this is valid.
  5. A conflicted desire for both Married Life & Consecrated Life deserves a critical look. If marriage appears more comfortable, or includes more perks, you need to be honest, both come with their own Crosses. Many people NEVER have a desire for Consecrated Life. The fact that you do means you should look.
  6. You WILL NOT find immediate Peace, instead you find trepidation. All the Prophets & the Saints felt incredible turmoil. They found no Peace until they gave themselves over to a calling. Being afraid of a Vocation to Religious Life requires that you face it, not run from it. If may feel comfortable to turn away from it. If you feel drawn, but afraid, running won’t give you peace, it will only give you comfort. What is the worst thing that can happen, you find God’s plan for you in Religious Life and you discover immeasurable Love & Joy in Christ
  7. Talk to a Religious. Visit a Religious House, a Convent, or Seminary. Spend a portion of your day with a Sister or a Priest. Attend Mass several days a week. Do a weekly Holy Hour. Deepen your commitment to discipleship. Attempt to pray the Liturgy of the Hours. Try the single life for a few months. This is Active Discernment.
  8. You don’t join a religious order for yourself, you join for Christ, His Church, and that community. You don’t pick a habit or patron saint or location that suits your fancy. Eventually all the superficiality and sweetness will wear out, and you will realize that you are stuck with a group of quite unremarkable human beings. This is not a sign to leave or not, but you have to look deeper in yourself and the community you want to join.
  9. Invariably, the moment you decide to actively discern or apply the boy or girl of your dreams WILL magically appear. GOD DOES NOT OR NEED a few bored lonely people with nothing better to do. God wants you to make a choice. Entering religious life does not make everyone else completely unattractive.
  10. Do not wait for 100% certainty to join. No Religious Order expects that. It is easier to leave a Religious Order within a couple years than a Marriage. Do not wait to attain 100% holiness or practice perfect chastity for every millisecond of every day. Marriage IS NOT the magic cure for lust, people have lustful thoughts after being married, and can even fall in love with other people who they are not married to. The point is growing up and moving past your emotions, comforts of 100% certainty or comprehensive preparedness.

Single is the Default Christian Vocation & Not Marriage (or Consecrated Life)

prayer-1Finding THE ONE is the topic of much discussion, the center of rotation of many personal reflections, conversations, art, music & film. The default story anywhere we look is a love story between a man and woman.

At the core of who we are, we have an existential need to receive and give affection. We also need to give of ourselves, and receive it from significant people. The Less people, the more intense the feelings might be. At the basic level of human appetite we crave affection & sex. Being single or being in Consecrated Life does not mean that one is asexual.

This past weekend, I attended the National Catholic Singles Conference in San Diego, only to hear Confessions, and it got me thinking about developing this idea. I am writing specifically for the purpose so that people can think critically about what they take for granted: Married Life is the Default or Normal Way for Christians to live their life, while Consecrate Life is exceptional, and Single People are only given a negative or neutral value in God’s plan. This is not advice for singles, neither is it a detail about the actual single vocation (or the variety of single vocations of Consecrated Life in the Church). I want to write that Married Life is not the Default Christian Life, neither is Consecrated Life exceptional, that everyone is called either permanently or temporarily to a Single Vocation.

Married Life or Consecrated Life

Many people figure that the major vocational decision is between getting married to another human or to God. Many of them see Married Life as the Default. There is the command in the Bible since Genesis. Among devout Catholics there is talk of protecting the family. There is a lot of Talk of Theology of the Body, Relationships, Dating, Chastity, in regard to complimentarily, coupling, and the ultimate goal of marriage.

Marriage is characterized as being in crisis. Divorce is rampant. Young men refuse to take on the responsibilities of fatherhood. There might be a whole lot wanting in the Western World’s pop culture perceptions of marriage, love & commitment.

Often the term Vocation Crisis refers exclusively to the rapidly diminishing numbers in Consecrated life. Others will apply the term Vocation Crisis to the state of marriage. Even lay Catholics who are deeply convicted of their personal vocation to have been married and have children, are deeply troubled to talk about this. It is such that people accuse me of being “TOO YOUNG TO BE A PRIEST.”

However, Religious are not seen as single. Consecrated Life is described as a marriage to God. Religious and Consecrated MUST be in an exclusive & all-consuming relationship. Even more explicitly people insist on this EVERYONE MUST BE MARRIED theory when they understand that priests are married to the Church.

Consecrated Life is really a kind of Marriage. There is NOTHING in God’s plan that ISN’T MARRIAGE Therefore, Single people have just not found the person that they are looking for.

Single People don’t get a break

Catholic gatherings, particularly young adult gatherings focus on socializing and connecting people. There are plenty of people who go expecting to find THE ONE. There are events that are planned, hoping that people will find THE ONE.

Conversely, they overlook countless members of society who have never been married. In many parts of the world, some people never marry to care for their parents. Throughout history, there have always been people who have lived lives of service because of their social status, and never married. People not marrying did not magically start happening the instant that the West abandoned God or whatever. It is presupposed by devout Catholics that every single adult that forgoes marriage for a career is a self-satisfied sociopath. It is never even hinted at that even young egotistical career-aholics might actually have a lifelong call to being single. Even in the secular career world, nowhere is someone considered admirable for being single. Our American Culture, influenced by Protestantism that abandoned Religious Life, MANDATED MARRIAGE FOR EVERYONE, and so we are copying Protestantism in the Church.

Single people are said to be a negation. Negatively they are too egotistical to enter into a self-sacrificing married relationship, or positively just haven’t found the right person. Most good Catholics who even accept the theory of a Single Vocation look at Single People as on the way to marriage, and want to fix them with someone. We wouldn’t dare think of insulting someone by suggesting that they will find their vocation in loneliness and negation.

The primary relationship in one’s life.

Because people look at Vocation only in the big picture, and only in terms of a long term relationship, (because Consecrated Life is only a kind of marriage) people overlook their vocation in the moment. God calls. Vocation means calling, God calls in a variety of ways. God calls us to discipleship FIRST.

The primary relationship for the disciple is a mentor relationship. In order for there to be a successful mentor relationship there MUST NOT BE ANY ROMANTIC INCLINATION. Perhaps the most important relationship one can have in their life is a mentor relationship. For the Christian Jesus Christ is the primary Master / Mentor. Perhaps one can find a secondary Master / Mentor in a Saint like Augustine, Ignatius, Theresa of Avila, Francis of Assisi, or Mother Theresa. On a human level we actually need a mentor or two. The Church mandates that we have godparents and Confirmation Sponsors (but we are often pressured to select people who have no actual experience of Christian Discipleship, the Spiritual Life, or even practicing their Catholicism).

A lot of people imagine that the “secret” to chaste celibacy lies in supernatural power directly transmitted by God. There is certainly a need for grace. Others think that the secret is in natural balance, healthy relationships with self & others, regular exercise & days off. I have been surprised at how difficult chaste celibacy is without mentors & particularly a Spiritual Director.

The mentor, who is not parent, would have to be in a completely celibate non-romantic relationship. They would also have the advantage of grace and wisdom, in that the young person is not, and never in a position to pay them back. The mentoring relationship is clearly more valuable to the youth, and not to the mentor. However, sometimes the mentor does not need all the answers, for their presence is often enough to bring a sort of peace to the panicked frantic youth who is unsure that their life will work out for them.

Pop Culture

If one were to look at the trend in popular movies before 1980 and after 2000 you could characterize it as such. Movies before 1980 were primarily interested in romantic relationships, whereas many movies after 2000 were significantly more interested in the mentor relationship. (exceptions might be Back to the Future and Star Wars)

Take Batman as an example. If one were to look at Batman before Christopher Nolan’s adaptation you could characterize it as such. Batman is a fully self-sufficient man. Although he has the help of Robin, or Commissioner Gordon, Batman could do quite well without them. Were you to look at Batman Begins, the primary relationship seems to be Bruce Wayne’s and Ra’s al Gul, or conversely Batman and Alfred. Ra’s al Gul even has a positive effect on Bruce Wayne, but it is Alfred who is indispensible. In fact Alfred is more indispensible then that one girl, what’s her name?

Be it Harry Potter, the Lord of the Rings, Hunger Games, films that have become extensive cultural phenomenon’s, I believe, because they have brought out the significance of the mentor relationship. Instead of focusing on self-actualization through romance, they have focused on self-actualization through wisdom.

The opportunity of the Postmodern West

While serious and intelligent Catholics are stuck lamenting the cultural insignificance of the Father, Film has given positive images of how alternatives can work. The parents are always absent or irrelevant, and somehow the character manages to grow into an integrated capable person with the help of the mentor.

It truly is a tragedy that Fathers are failures or irrelevant in the West, it would be a misunderstanding to presume that every person who has had a destructive relationship with their father ends up destroyed hopelessly.

Even if we lived in a world were prolonged adolescence wasn’t as normative as mature responsible manhood or fatherhood… Even if, our world really consisted of a majority of men who were admirable and not cowardly, and many young people cite their father’s as their primary mentors, and even pop culture acknowledged this phenomenon, none of that could diminish the need for an additional significant mentor, or several.

Grandparents, godparents, aunts & uncles, older siblings, and other mentors would still be just as relevant. They would still serve in bringing an individual to their fullest self. Besides all this CRISIS talk is overestimated today, because here was have a clear opportunity.

Even married people who are mentored are mentored as individuals

Because the mentor relationship necessitates complete celibacy, as well as non-reciprocity in that the young person is not in a state to repay their mentor, it happens to the person as a single person.

People who are married or in religious life might cite the need for mentors in those states of life. I believe that there are many problems in married life because of a lack of mentors in earlier life. Many people enter marriage not as self-actualized individuals, and feel the need to separate in order to become actualized. Some people never learn to develop trust, something that can only be developed among people in completely celibate disinterested relationships like a mentor relationship. And perhaps couples have emotionally intense relationships where there is a desperate mutual need, these feelings do not get to the depths of the person, a type of relating that is often carried out by people who have had relationships with elders. Finally, many people falsely imagine that married life will grant a surrogate father or mother, or, in other words, another appropriate mentor.

It is not to suggest that somehow when one has found their vocation, or have gotten married, that they are eliminated from being mentors. The Mentor Relationship happens to and among individual persons. If a married person mentors it is as an individual and not as a couple. The young son needs his father to impart wisdom, and would personally benefit in the same way were his widowed grandfather or single uncle were to impart wisdom. In order to become a mature individual, there is virtually nothing that makes the person in married life or consecrated life elite. In order to impart wisdom one must have had, as a single person, had wisdom imparted to them, and had experience.

On the other hand, even when a couple turns to another couple for marriage, it may be the rare exception. However, the mentoring that happens here is often from the man to the man, and from the woman to the woman. It is often still between individuals navigating the same issue. Were this mentoring always to happen with all individuals present, From couple to couple, it would probably not be nearly as effective. Yet all this marks out the one exception where mentoring happens as a single person. However, if one has had some decent mentoring prior to marriage, will have so much more to give as a mature individual.

Someone who has, as fully as possible, worked at integrated and growing into a responsible individual can then almost go anywhere. They are likewise as effective as a biological father or spiritual father. A single person is a ripe for being mentored, and it is as a single person that one mentors.

It is always and only as a single person that one makes a choice on what vocation they will enter. It is as a single person, as a Christian Disciple, that one can commit their life to Christ, properly discern, pray, and be mentored before committing to a vocation. Even if most people are not called to some kind of Single Vocation, or Consecrated Singlehood, there is nobody who is not called to a Single Vocation of Christian Discipleship & Discernment. Married life is not for everyone. There is no Christian who cannot be single.

Cute Gushy Romantic Love Stories

My best friend & his wife run a blog, The Crows Nest. Recently they both shared their love stories. Considering my own insufficient capacity to witness to the wonderful sacrament of marriage, I really felt it important to share it. In fact, they have always had an important part in my vocation. They were the two friends that I asked for a letter of recommendation to include in my application. I share the date of my Solemn Vows & Religious Consecration as an Augustinian with their Wedding Anniversary.

My friend, initialed JJ on The Crow’s Nest, shares The Love Story: His Version. JJ & I used to have a Rap Crew together, well a couple. I will tell a little about it on my next hip hop album. We knew each other since we were young, but really became good friends in college. He mentions the part about going to daily Mass at community college, I was the one who started that (Go figure the one with the religious vocation would be obsessed with daily Eucharist!). This isn’t a rap story, but a love story, and that is what he talks about.

My friend, more importantly my friend’s beloved wife, Kat, writes The Love Story: Her Version. Having known her since HS, but not having been friends until the end of HS and throughout College. The first time I really remember connecting with her was at a Discipleship Week with NET in 2001. She, subsequently joined them for a year. She has always inspired me as a little sister in Christ.

If I can summarize something about either of them, is the prayerful deliberation. Unlike myself, my friends here are not very compulsive. They are exciting, adventurous, but perhaps not as compulsive as me.  But more than that, their courting and engagement were always marked by mutual encouragement and prayer. Dating is a discernment process, and it seems clear therefore, that a couple should be praying throughout their discernment. However, what is so much more wonderful than this, is that a couple that opens to each other in mutual intimacy with the Lord is entering into a Sacred place that not many people have the joy of knowing.

Divorce, Suicide, Depression, and a Meaningless Existence

I read a recent article, and had a discussion over the high likelihood of suicide among teen sons.  New York Times cover it here.  Apparently, boys are three times as likely to commit suicide then girls.

I read another article, again in the New York Times, covering a Record Level of stress or depression among College Freshmen here.  Terry Mattingly, in his Get Religion Blog, asks the question he always does, if faith, or the lack of it plays any role in their high levels of stress and depressions (article here).

I had intended to say something on divorce.  Apparently my generation has the least favorable views on divorce.  Could it be the fact that our parents make divorce a guiltless and shameless, and even consequence free issue?  I have seen enough of my friends who have had divorced parents struggle with self hatred, depression, and meaningless to think there is some truth to this article.  However, I am lucky enough to not have known somebody personally who actually did take their life.  Yet, I think their blood cries out to heaven, in the sense, that some great injustice has happened.  Children of divorced are often demanded to have compassion on their parents, just like ever other person in the world.  They are demanded to be mature and understanding.  Yet, do their parents look to be compassionate and understanding to them?

I think it is a worthy question to ask those preparing for marriage, more then accuse the divorce (Who probably could not reasonably predict the catastrophe wrought on their children):  Ask those preparing for marriage: “Do you know that a divorce could have devastating results on the life of their children?”

Imagine this… Parents acknowledging their marriage was a mistake.  How are their kids not supposed to reason that their own very life, their own existence is not likewise a mistake.  How does it feel to cope with such existential desperation at losing your stability, coupled with your own inherent personal self understanding?

I linked the second article, simply because I think the same generation that is plagued by divroced parents is coping with college.  There might be a connection.  There is so much you can ask why young people’s lives feel so stressed and meaningless.

I think the Providence and Paranoia piece can play here too.