‘Do you Catholics worship children?’ A Thought Expirement

It’s First Communion Season. Some Catholics don’t like First Communion, with all the amateur photographers, it can suddenly turn into a circus. Aside from the wonderful blessing that children, who are also usually the best behaved, receive the incredibly blessing of Communion. But I have often wondered, as an outsider, oblivious to Catholicism, to Western Culture, and everything would react to Catholic worship. So I decided to run a thought experiment: Catholics worship children. This is meant to make you think, and meant to make you laugh, more than it is meant as a criticism or condemnation. Obviously, it is immensely more complicated then this. I thought it would be fun.

You Catholics seem to worship children. You gather in your temples, and gather around the children. You gaze upon them, you venerate them, you photograph them, you applaud them, you lavish gifts and sacrifices to them. When there are not many children there, not many people gather. Many of you Catholics do not gather to your temples to worship your children on a regular basis. When your children have manifest themselves in your temples, you flock to your temples. When your children are not at your temples, you do not have any reason to go, for you go to worship children right?

When you Catholics are small babies, you bring them to your temples and sprinkle water all over them. You all gather, with great cheer, photos, and much festivity. When your solemn rites have concluded, you carry the festivity on with much feasting and celebration, all gathered around the little child you lovingly and devoutly worship.

You Catholics enshrine your children in sacred vestments as they engage in exclusive sacred rites in and around your holy temples. They engage in these holy activities for several years. Only the children whom you worship, are permitted on these holy sites, and only these children are permitted in wearing their sacred vestments. Although they differ from region to region, their sacred vestments seem to match at each particular site. On occasion, you Catholics gather in droves at the temples to watch the children recite and perform holy rites. Although not with as much festivity as other occasions, there is much gazing, photographing, and applauding of your children whom you worship.

Then, after several years, you Catholics gather again to worship children. Many Catholics come for some great solemn feast, when all of your children process with hands enfolded. Again, you gaze upon them, venerate them, photograph, and applaud them. You worship your wonderful little children, arrayed in sacred vestments of a greater solemnity. Rarely do you Catholics come into your empty temples to worship your children, but on this day, which occurs after they have reached a certain age, you Catholics worship children with great festivity. The children, again, process up to receive your sacred bread, while you gaze intensely, and even photograph. Then, some of you have the audacity to imitate the children to receive your sacred bread. However, this bread is principally for your children, as many people do not receive this sacred bread at this event or on a regular basis. Again, you Catholics continue to worship you children, by going out and continuing to celebrate outside of the temple with much feasting.

At some point, your children reach an age when they are no longer to be worshiped. They no longer come to your temples after this. In great solemnity, your children process forward, many with hands enfolded, sometimes dressed in red or white vestments. However, many do not wear vestments, and dress in such a way that they no longer will be the objects of your sacred veneration. They have some sort of fragrant oil applied to their head. Perhaps this oil undoes what happened when they were babies and sacred waters was applied in the same region. They are permitted to receive your sacred bread one more time. Following this, many other people follow their example. On this occasion, there are many people content to keep a reverent distance from the sacred events as merely observing.

When there are no longer any children on a family to worship, you Catholics do not go to your temples any more. Some of you Catholics might be privileged enough to be permitted to venerate devoutly some other children who are not your own.

You Catholics also become very abhorrent with much shock when sacrilege occurs against any of your sacred children whom you venerate and worship devoutly. I was almost hesitant to write this, because I was afraid many of you Catholics might be offending thinking that I intend to blaspheme your sacred children. That I do not. You Catholics make sure that your sacred children will not be contaminated by spending too much time outside. You keep close watch on all of your sacred children, to ensure that no blasphemy happens. If, with much sorrow, any of your children are blasphemed, the blasphemers receive many penalties, to which there can never be reintegration into your society ever again. Further, many of these people are legally forever prohibited from ever having the privilege of being near your holy and sacred children.

You Catholics permit some men to engage near your holy children in your temples during your sacred rites. These men, you do not permit to be married. In order for these men to be holy enough to engage your sacred rites with children, perhaps they ought not to have children. It is as if, these men carry on their sacred holy child-ness for you to devoutly worship and venerate. These men, however, unlike the holy children who must, out of reverence always be carefree, handle a variety of detailed tasks that are not appropriate for your children who must be venerated.

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