If you are ever lonely, it is a crime to humanity, for nobody should be alone. We all have the right to a handsome prince or gorgeous princess to make our life complete. No, they have to be perfect in every way. Heaven forbid we have a moment to ourselves. What if we meet a great person, our instinct is to swiftly lock a chain around them and drag them along. If we don’t have that “significant other” we will be incomprehensibly miserably lonely and stuff.
It was enough to have “Felicia” as a friend.
I must admit, the dynamic that I have had with Felicia has played out plenty of times. It is kind of funny how it happened this time. Felicia had tried to arrange me with one of her friends, and I even got a friend of mine to ask her out, because she liked him.
Afterward, he felt happy and lucky to have her as a friend, and did not need to push it any further. What a blessing genuine friendship was, and in this case, what a blessing Felicia was. I always found her reliable, and as she matured became incredibly generous and spiritual, who would not think find her attractive? My friend, however, was honest enough to let things be what they were, and they were probably happier as a result. But his insight was important, and I think it resonated with me in regard to most women that I cared for.
In my previous post on Attractions, I referred to how we can be so strongly drawn to somebody, that we neglect to think about it. Sometimes we can be drawn to somebody without feeling sexually or romantically attracted to them. Sometimes we want to force it, but it will always be effective if we let it flow naturally. That does not mean inactivity, it does mean respectfully allowing a free and mutually enriching friendship to flourish.
When someone appears to desperate to hang out, a normal person would wonder about the sudden flattery. Are they trying to use you for something? It is generally awkward, to say the least.
It is important for friends to laugh. I think the desperate romantic in us gets caught up in all kinds of feelings of ecstasy or fear. Fear to grab too tightly, ecstasy to move forward too quickly. It is about satisfying our desires or fending off tears.
I mentioned about disclosing ourselves intimately and emotionally bonds us. I think an even healthier way we can bond is by laughter. We waste so much of our time festering our emotional crises, and we waste so much time to laugh and rejoice in the friendship. Laughter bonds us. Besides laughter is probably the highest and most lasting sensual pleasure that is in and of itself, chaste.
Know your friends
If we are honest with ourselves, we cannot pretend like all 500 facebook friends matter the same. I think some of my closest friends on Facebook, we never actually interact on Facebook. I even have a few close friends who do not even use it. Its like con-centric circles of intimacy. God is at the center, who is “more intimate to me than I am to myself” in the words of Augustine. After that there is myself, as I need to love and respect myself. After that are my closest friends, then another for family, another for colleagues and associates that I have served God with, and another for just about everyone else. The close you are to the center, the more trust we have worked at, and the more you may know.
Being chaste or being complete is not really about having “the one”, but having a handful of reliable people that we trust. When we don’t have that, we reach out desperately for relationships that destroy us. So it is a good idea to reflect on the nature and behavior of good healthy friendship.
The sad thing is that we think that one single person, with a multitude of complicated issues can actually have the capacity to solve our multiple complicated loneliness issues. That’s a whole lot of pressure to put on one person. I’ll be honest, when people look at me as a “Messiah” or “Prince Charming” who completes them so simply, I am easily creeped out. I hope that you too can see past the flattery and self-conceit, because it is an awful place to be in.
Romance with friends
People are generally more reluctant to pursue a romance with somebody who is their friend. Maybe they just know how much they will ruin it if they do. It may or may not be the case, unless we become a little demon person or whatever.
I have often heard it said that we are better off with romance after a good friendship has been established. After trust is earned, and affection grows, as opposed to just rushing in, locking things down, or even worse, hooking up. Most importantly, Respect has been established, and I have seen far too many relationships where respect is lacking. Again, being natural is not a bad thing, sometimes nothing will happen, and its okay. You may even gain a good friend, the ‘friend zone’ may not be all that evil.
Single by choice not by circumstance
Yeah, that was a motto that I invented years ago. Nothing is more distressing then thinking that “nobody likes me, or nobody wants me.” That’s stupid, telling yourself all kinds of nonsense, aside from God wanting you, or your mother carrying you in your womb for 9 months, I’m sure you have several more friends that want you as a friend. But that became my motto, not just as a way to be positive, but as a way for others to think positively.
It is clear that we waste so much of our emotional energy on getting with so-and-so, and spend very little time cherishing the time that we have to ourselves. I mean, you think that loneliness will be solved in marriage? I can’t count how many married people I know who admit how shocked they were to discover how lonely marriage can feel. If we learned to be at peace with ourselves first, we would not only have a lot more to give, but feel much better with the loneliness which is essential to our being. Loneliness, I figure, is the price we pay for being infinitely unique manifestation of the image of God.
It was at that time that I learned how important it was to befriend loneliness. It became a blessing. It allowed me the opportunity learn from myself, and love myself, and respect myself. Maybe you have been single so long, there appears nothing left to cherish. I don’t have easy words for you, unfortunately. Being dependent upon a fantasy that is out of your control to attain is more like a psychosis than a lifestyle. I would recommend learning Christian meditation, and spending more time in prayer, as well as giving more time to volunteer work in your church or local community. Also, get rid of a lot of the junk, like music and movies that feed you the lie that you suck at being you.