I want to be a Priest, but not like this.
John Corapi was a famous celebrity priest. He had a show on EWTN, and had regular speaking engagements across the country. I was not a fan, but could see why people liked him, he was like a Sean Connery character in an action movie. Yet, he was accused, and it seems like the accusations have weight. Like Congressman Anthony Weiner, he denied all of them, despite the clear and explicit evidence to the contrary. He was to be removed from public ministry, his show was cancelled. So in the midst of all this, and the verification of the accusations, I needed a while before I commented.
What was bothering to the point of terror, had been his cult following. They gathered together for an online defaming of the accuser, while verbally assaulting anybody who dared question Corapi’s infallibility. Then Corapi decided he would leave the priesthood, to fight back. He ditched his vows to God and Church, for his self righteous quest to continue making money on preaching. He needed to attend to his cult, as opposed to faithful obedience to his congregation, and most significantly his priestly mission of Eucharistic Worship.
I don’t want to be a priest like this.
Earlier in the year, I broke down in tears before the blessed sacrament, after coming home from a parish function. The fact is, some people were too amazed by me as an individual, and should have delivered the adulation to Jesus, or the Church as a whole. I did not enjoy the attention. I don’t want to enjoy the attention.
And this is why I don’t want to be like Corapi. I don’t want to be the kind of priest that enjoys this stuff. I want to break down crying because people love me, I don’t want to like it. I don’t want it to drive me out of the community of friars into a mansion. I don’t want it to make me falsely believe that I am above my vows of chastity to Jesus that I will have a prostitute mistress like Corapi.
If it couldn’t have been any worse over the past few years, Cutie, another popular charismatic priest was caught with scandal by the tabloids.
I don’t want to be this kind of priest, I don’t want to be a hypocrite.
So in the midst of this madness, I am reeling in by the drunken attempt at flirtation on Facebook.
I don’t want to lie to myself, and pretend that I am something I am not. I belong entirely to Jesus, I am nobody else.
I entered religious life with an understanding of Consecrated Chastity not as refusing to allow women to contaminate me by remote contact… No, it was clear to me that I was to love as Jesus did. I was to love, as Jesus, at the expense of all of my being, without receiving any essentially. All of me would belong to God, and to the service of people, even my sexuality. The more I loved, the more this made sense. The more I gave away my egotistical false notions of self identity, the more satisfying this became.
This has cost me friendships. I do not believe God ever forced me to abandon anybody, by giving me an ultimatum to choose. Neither has my community of friars imposed upon me forsaking anybody. I have found the opposite to be true, that people who I thought were significant would do the same to me because of what I have chosen. Friendship has always been an important value to Augustine and Augustinians.
On the flipside, I have encountered wild, delirious, desperate, and embarrassing women trying to manipulate and talk me out of my choice to enter religious life. Some of these people just don’t get what I am doing, and want a small part of me that is no longer mine to give.
Even among those who are amazed by me, don’t help me by idolizing me. I am not as pure and holy as some of them believe, and would do better should they help me to heaven as much as I help them.
Several hours before this weird girl is flirting with me on facebook, I actually had an uplifting conversation on facebook with another women. In absolute contrast, this one left me feeling a bit more inspired, simply because we talked about holy things like chastity, purity, prayer, vocation, and adoration.
Friendship is as dangerous as it is edifying, that’s why, if you are reading this, I want you to pray for me to be a holy priest. If you cared enough to read this whole message looking for a way to help me, then consider your own holiness, because the journey to holiness is not something I should be doing alone. The adventure of discovery of Truth is something that should be in one mind and heart on the way to God. Please pursue Jesus Christ. Please, for your own sake, as well as mine, and everyone dear to you, pursue Jesus Christ, it will do us all a whole lot of good.